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Conundrum of Conformity

28th June, 2004. 1:03 am. You know its over when...

I already addressed that I live vicariously through my friends relationships and some of the reasons why I do this. Along the same veins, not only do I get to share in their happiness, but I also get to deal with the ups and downs of "being in love". This isn't really so bad as I don't have the immediate pains, hurts, and various stepped on feelings being in such sharp focus as if I truly experienced them, but still when my friends hurt I hurt. I do try to shield myself from them as much as I can without lacking in compassion and empathy. There still comes a time that I have to push, prod and otherwise force someone I know to face the reality that 'Its over" and there is no more hope for trying to fix things, and to simply move on with their lives.

In no way am I any sort of marriage counselor, psycho(anything) or otherwise specially trained in "knowing" relationship problems. I've just got a few years of not only being in relationships, but of reading a few books, and dealing with problems that others bring to me. I now know the reasons why this has always been my lot in life, but I used to sit for hours and ponder why friends, acquaintances and others brought their problems to my doorstep to help solve. I've just got some experience and have formulated my own personal hypothesis and litmus test to understanding when the inevitable "It's over" must be declared.

So what is this amazing gem of wisdom? Pretty simple actually. I'll list them in just a moment, but first I wanted to explain that there are extreme circumstances where each of these tests break down, and do not apply. I'll cover them as best as I can when I get done. Another aside to note: there is absolutely no way in hell that I could even begin to foresee all the myriad complications that life throws our way. This is just a way that I have devised, after much heartache on my part and others that I know, to try and figure out when that dreaded revelation must be proclaimed. When you actually do it, is entirely in your hands.

Without further adieu, the three requirements that must be fulfilled before *I* start telling you to look elsewhere are:

1) You do not think of the other person in any sort of happy way, whatsoever.
2) You do not wish to associate with this person for any length of time, or even be around them for longer than a couple minutes except for the occasional sexual relief.
3) All discussions, conversations and arguments end without any sort of compromise, failure to come to an agreement, or continue to add to the feelings contained in both 1) and 2).

See what I mean now? Even though these are fairly simple to use, they in no way address the complexity of a typical relationship. Now casual sexual relationships to me are fairly simple. Don't like the person you're having sex with? Stop. End of discussion.

As I stated previously, these steps break down in the case of a typical relationship low. There is just a major difference between a relationship low, and a relationship over. For example: You and  your significant other have a knock down drag out fight, yelling, screaming, throwing epithets at each other. OMG!! its so over... not. From my own experience, only 1) and 3) apply in this case. They are still your significant other, and anyone that declares that a relationship is over needs to go back to class, and stop skipping from the teacher in the halls. In other words, they need to grow the fuck up.

Okay, what about when your significant other cheats on you? In this case only 1) and 2) apply. It doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is over. It only means its over when they pack their stuff and move in with the cheatee. =P At that point, deal with your hurt, and angry feelings and move on.

Yet again, even if suddenly you find yourself in a situation where all 3 tests do yield a positive result that doesn't mean things are over. Relationship low. I've mentioned that before. How long should you give before a relationship low moves into relationship over? Well, considering you aren't happy with the other person, and no one likes to be unhappy for weeks and months, let alone years I would say that after a month (or so) its time to have a serious open, honest discussion. This should be a no-holds barred talk. Yes, its so important that you need to actually set a date and make an appointment with your significant other.

Now, for a piece of advice from my heart to yours: When you hear the dreaded "We need to talk" don't shut down. Guys: Don't give your ladies a glassy eyed slack jawed look as if she suddenly sprouted antennae and looks like your Andorian cousin. She loves you, and doesn't want to lose you. Ladies: Don't say "We need to talk." Its a lot better if you ease a man into it with the words, "I have something important that I would like to discuss with you, and I would like your undivided attention because it is that important to me." Needless to say, this does go both ways and men are allowed to bring up the discussion first. Dammit, its a lot better to find another sex partner than it is to live with the stress of a bad relationship. (That last was for those of you who keep hanging on to a "hated" partner cuz the sex is good)

I don't live your life, and you don't live mine. I just wanted to pass a little bit of what I've learned over the years to you.

Current mood: calm.
Current music: Prince.

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