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Conundrum of Conformity

24th June, 2004. 10:57 pm. Hollywood Love

I have to live vicariously through my friends relationships right now. I've come to grips with that reality, and I'm comfortable with it. I still have months and months to go before I'm ready to start thinking about anything more for myself. What amazes me though, is that though every past relationship of mine has ended in complete failure, I'm still able to recognize love in all its myriad forms in others.

My original entry into adulthood was a sad affair. I was completely unprepared for being in charge of my own life. I blame no one for this fact, but it wasn't until I started to expand my own social circle that I started being able to recognize problems in relationships. I've gone through several different stages of my own life, using different catch phrases of my own creation to justify my behavior ranging from ecstatically "in-love" to hardcore cynic to hater of all things "couple-ish".

The last few years though... well, thats where it started to change and somehow I started living my life through their relationships. Just prior to July 2002 (a born date for me, which I will cover one day) the previous 4 years had been filled with serial relationships. This period of my life started in April 1998, and I would be in a relationship that lasted perhaps 3 to 6 months, with a rest period of about the same length before diving headlong into another. This was my sexual awakening. This is how my social skills developed to the finely blunt tools they are now. 7 different relationships, with 6 different individuals all of whom I was initially attracted to for different and varied reasons.

I was never the same person with them. Despite my own assertations that I don't change, I'm as immutable as steel, and I was the same. How wrong I was. How wrong to think that I could not have had growth from one relationship to another.

But now, I have to think of love in a whole different light. Its an alien concept to me right now. Its a "sometime in the future" situation for me. I have me to work on, I have my own life to live as pathetic as it may be currently. My happiness comes from the happiness of those whom I consider close, and who risk their own hearts to find their own special someone to be with. That kind of happiness is easier to deal with. I'm just amazed that I finally get the "chick flicks". I know who they are reaching out to and why they do. I'll just let Joey guide my thoughts for now...

Current mood: thoughtful.
Current music: Joe Satriani.

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